Feel resonant with leaving early for Kelowna on Monday morning. I was expecting a call from Dr Iftakar at 11:30 but the night before, under my left arm began to hurt again; even worse than back in December at the Ashram. I woke up with the same pain at 5:30 on Monday. While having coffee, I got restless and knew that I was also scared. When a long shower didn't work to settle me, I struck on the idea of going to Hope to enjoy beauty and do something active (pouring rain).

So I left without packing and immediately realized that I could go to Kelowna because Sawyer's off work due to his seizures last week. I called him at 7:30 to mention that I might do it and then he thought I'd like to walk Prada and that he's looking forward to it now that I've mentioned it.

I drove past Hope without full resolution about Kelowna, but then was the start of a white out and, by the time I realized that it wasn't just a storm, it was impossible to exit because the exits were snow-filled. Which meant that I was at least going to Merritt. And if I'm in Merritt, it's silly not to go to Kelowna.

Lots and lots of crying as I made my way to Kelowna. Sobbing and weeping and bursting into blubbering. Just not wailing. Made K sooner than expected and it was a delight to see Sawyer; hugging him feels solid and grounding and like things are going to be okay. While waiting for our grocery store pizza to cook, I got the phone call from Dr Iftakar and left it on speaker phone. He said that he unfortunately had bad news for me and that cancer had metastacized into the lymph nodes but that the left breast is clean. He'd put an urgent request to the Cancer Center and I should be hearing from an oncology team within a couple of weeks. Sawyer hugged me again and we kept eye contact for a long time. What a soldier.

Driving back a couple of hours later, I mumbled and then said repeatedly to Brodie and Spencer..."this is just like Bill; waiting until I'm broken to be kind. Merciless". It felt exactly right. Then I told Brodie how stupid she was for boxing me out and depriving both Matt and Sadie, as well as herself, from my support. Surprised at how much anger showed up. I think fury and rage and anger as well as grief must be contributing to that tumour. Hate that word but trying to accept it without emotion.

Trip to Kelowna